When he said ‘Allahu akbar’

I always have this delulu when I was sitting for SPM (innocent years where our reliance on Allah was so much clearer and higher): to ask Allah to take care of all the things beyond my efforts.

I asked, (I still remember because it was such a delulu habit I even preached to some close friends haha!): “ya Allah make my examiners super happy when they are about to mark my papers, make their spouses and kids, all the factors for them to not be happy diminished when marking my paper.”

Such a delulu: but can I ask? I can. Can He answer? He can. Do I put the necessary works? I did. Now I think back, it wasn’t that delulu because there’s knowledge there.

Knowledge that Allah is Allah. Allah has all the abilities to do whatever He wants.

Knowledge that Allah is All-Seeing: He sees my efforts, hidden or obvious from people’s eyes.

What I can control is my efforts to study, understand, taking the related means (doa, helping my friends to study too, minimize sins), and all the things I as a 17-year old could think of.

But I cannot control:

1. the examiner’s heart (it could be that day they just got into a fight with their spouse, I cannot control that);
2. the examiners’ hand for all my 9 papers (their hands could be so tired of marking hundreds of paper, they marked wrongly just on mine – can that happen? Yes it can);
3. nor the doing of the board of the exam who makes papers (I cannot hover their doing, to put topics that are easy for me)
4. nor can I control whether the makcik kantin to cook healthy or poisonous food;
5. nor the rain whether flood will happen;

I literally cannot.

Beyond that, in those random chaotic world, I ask Allah to protect me with my small efforts.

Our asking and His knowledge

“Yes yes but you need to be realistic”, people say.

Realistic in the sense of what we’re asking, they say.

Of course, our asking must be bounded by the Earthiness limits, yes:

1. I cannot ask to live 500 years; biologically, I will degrade by 100++; asking to be alive for 500 years on Earth is beyond sunnatullah but can He make me live 500 years old? He can),
2. I cannot ask Allah to create for me unicorns out of thin air (again, can He make that, beyond sunnatullah: He can)
3. I cannot ask Allah to give me 9As if the only thing I do is sleeping (again, can He make that, beyond sunnatullah: He can)

I was realistic when I asked Allah to control so many movable blocks for my SPM papers. SPM is bounded by the Earthiness. It is within the sunnatullah – asking for Him to take care of my examiner’s doing.

Ooh, but that word ‘realistic’ hits me in this Monday morning. The distinct between ‘Allah can’ and ‘Allah will’ in that ‘realistic’ word.

Allah is not just realistic; Allah is Real.

We’re given some time, owing our degree of realness from his Realness – can you imagine who we’re asking? The One who creates realities (read that again, Shafira: plurals of ‘reality’).

In His knowledge, there’s no delulu – it is just waiting to be manifested. To be asked.

Knowledge is power, yes. Knowledge is light, yes.

But the source of all knowledge is Allah.

A lot of times we missed that: “but the source of all knowledge is Allah”.

Sometimes I got stuck with what else to read, thinking (and reacting from my trauma response, to prepare for all the worst-case scenarios) that if only I could read more, if only I could prepare more (I even asked my therapist last year, this, what if I could simulate more worst-case scenarios – yes, yes, I am such a bonker too – so, I can prepare WHEN else could I be triggered by my wounds),

but the thing I forgot is He is al-Aleem. And He is al-Qadeer. He owns all these knowledge out here and He has all the power to give to anyone.

I forgot the source of all knowledge is Allah

I can scramble through so many papers, put 1000 years to dedicate myself to the best decision, but today I woke up and said, “Or I could ask Allah.”

I could ask Allah because that’s the shortcut. He is the creator of the Real. He could give if we ask.

He could point us to what is necessary to be read in these noises of informations: seriously, how many more articles, posts, podcasts, and Youtube on trauma, relationship, … endless list.

Finding the temperance, the balance in this is truly not easy – the lines are so tangible; there’s no textbooks telling us – “Okay, here in Page 5467, you can find how would be best for you to deal with Problem X101.”

But will He and can He point to us if we ask?

The problem is do I ask enough? Do I want the thing I think I want enough?

But also, do I believe I am asking Allah: the one who owns everything?

Our asking and delulu

Ooh, the distinct between ‘Allah can’ and ‘Allah will’ in that ‘realistic’ word.

In His power, there’s no delulu. We’re not asking the impossible because ‘possible’ is in the realm of humanness. Earthiness.

‘Possible’ is in the realm of limitedness. We’re bounded creatures.

In His realm, there’s no ‘impossible’.

He divided the ocean into two for Prophet Musa – when behind him, Pharaoh was chasing.

He is Allah who makes the fire not burning – when Nymrod tried to burn Prophet Ibrahim.

He is Allah who guides Prophet Nuh in building the ‘ridiculous’ ark (says the people around him) – He directed Prophet Nuh to not only find the best woods, steels whathaveyou to make a steady big ark, but to consult the right people in making that too.

But He is the same Allah who did not helped Bani Israel, after following Prophet Musa, from not worshipping the cow idol.

But He is the same Allah who did not grant Islam to Abi Talib – the most beloved uncle of Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wassalam).

But He is the same Allah who did not grant Islam to the wives and children of Prophet Noh – they were in the ocean under the ark, not in it from the Big Flood.

He gives to the ones who’re asking; but not the ones who weren’t asking.

I cannot buy willingness and put that in someone’s mouth to be asked.

I cannot tapao some openness to grow, to heal, to see differently, from mamak Pelita.

I cannot GrabPay certain amount of money, for people to change their heart.

That’s my limit. Bounded by my Earthiness.

I can ask Him to give peace and clarity every time people I cannot control do anything.

I can ask Him to show me alternatives and replace.

I can ask Him to give me strength to go out if I cannot.

* * *

Joan Didion wrote an eulogy (and perhaps, autobiography of how she went through her husband’s passing and she managing the first year of grief) with her A Year of Magical Thinking. That word ‘magical’: we do have so many wishful thinking.

But that word ‘magical’ is such a distract.

It’s not magical (comes out of thin air); it’s Allah.

And these whole essay was thanks to someone’s ‘Allahu akbar’ this morning.

Allah indeed is so much bigger than my trauma. Our trauma.

Allah is indeed is so much bigger than my problems. Our problems.

Allah is indeed is so much bigger than the limited time we feel.

He can and He will.

And I am relying on that.

وَبَشِّرِ ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ

“give glad tidings to those who patiently endure”

0756. Monday 9th Sept 2024.

Ps: But if I must leave, then, in Shawn Mendes’ words: I’ll make it easy, it’ll be okay. And in the words of Sami Yusuf, I could take it, I would not break, If You’re (Allah) there for me